Why self-esteem is the wrong thing to chase | Matthew, Josh & Rosanna

Self-esteem might be the wrong goal. Three therapists on shame, the inner critic, and why self-compassion works better. This week's panel: Matthew Johnston (MBACP psychotherapist), Joshua Munn (cognitive behavioural psychotherapist), and Rosanna Kramer (cognitive behavioural therapist). Three clinicians on where low self-worth comes from, and what actually shifts it. About the speakers Matthew Johnston is an MBACP-accredited psychotherapist with twelve years of experience across schools, universities, local authority, and private practice. Trained as a person-centred psychotherapist, he also draws on CBT and transactional analysis, and works with anxiety, depression, relationship difficulties, and stress. Joshua Munn is a BABCP-accredited cognitive behavioural psychotherapist with over ten years of experience across the NHS and private practice. He works with anxiety, OCD, ADHD, PTSD, and self-esteem, drawing on CBT, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and EMDR. Rosanna Kramer is a cognitive behavioural therapist who trained at the Priory Hospital North London in the obsessional disorders department. She specialises in OCD, body dysmorphic disorder, and health anxiety, provides high-intensity one-to-one CBT, and is trained in EMDR. Chapters 0:00 - Intro 3:00 - What self-esteem actually is 8:30 - The 'not good enough' core 15:00 - Where it starts: childhood and early judgment 22:00 - Shame, masks, and the high-achieving front 29:30 - The inner critic and the inner bully 36:00 - Compare and despair 42:00 - Why self-compassion can feel dangerous 49:00 - Self-compassion over self-esteem 56:00 - Values-based living: the 80th birthday and amnesia exercises 1:04:00 - The Choice Point 1:10:00 - The ACE skill 1:16:00 - Why behaviour changes belief In this episode Matthew, Joshua, and Rosanna open with what self-esteem actually is: a global evaluation of your own worth. Underneath low self-esteem there is often a single belief, that you are not good enough, and the panel traces how that belief takes root in childhood through difficult experiences, early judgment, and being measured before you were ready. The conversation moves into shame and the masks people wear over it. Perfectionism, people-pleasing, and the high-achieving front that looks like confidence and feels like the opposite. External criticism becomes an internal critic over time, an inner bully that talks you out of risk. The panel is honest about 'compare and despair,' the way measuring yourself against other people's surface markers leaves you feeling smaller every time. The second half is the reframe. Self-compassion and acceptance, the clinicians argue, tend to work better than self-esteem, because they don't require you to rate yourself against anyone or hold an above-average position to feel okay. They address the common fear that being kind to yourself means losing your drive, and offer values-based living as the alternative engine: the 80th birthday exercise, the amnesia exercise, and the Choice Point, where every action moves you towards your values or away from them. The episode closes on practical tools. The ACE skill from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: Acknowledge your thoughts and feelings without fighting them, Connect with your body through grounding, Expand your attention back to the present moment. And the principle that you rarely think your way into a new belief. You do the thing first, and the belief follows the experience. Resources mentioned Matthew Johnston - MJ Therapy: https://www.mjtherapy.co.uk/ Joshua Munn - Therapy with Josh: https://www.therapywithjosh.co.uk/ Rosanna Kramer - CBT with Rosanna: https://www.cbtwithrosanna.co.uk/ MindFriend (the platform):https://mindfriend.com/ Connect with us Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/2OnHUJDQnwcjcp67wLC6O1?si=fb8bc6402ab1433d Instagram: @mindfriendtalk #MindFriendTalk #TheInnerCritic #SelfEsteemAndSelfCompassion